Last week, my 7-year-old son rode off to his first day of school on his bicycle. No training wheels. No parent walking alongside him. Just Jackson, pedaling down the street like he had been doing it his whole life.
Then, this past weekend, we took the training wheels off my 4-year-old daughter Zephie’s bike. Within about 60 seconds, she was riding down the sidewalk without any assistance.
They’re growing up. And I am not OK. Just kidding. Mostly.
Truthfully, I’m actually enjoying this new level of independence from both of them. It seems like a lot of it has blossomed this summer, and I’ve been surprised by how quickly they are learning to do things on their own.
When Jackson lost his training wheels earlier this summer, it opened up a whole new world for him. Within a few days, he was riding his bike to the library by himself to pick out new books. The library is only about five blocks from our house, and we eventually decided his little sister could tag along with him. We watched from a distance as the two of them pedaled down the street together.
A huge thank you is also owed to the ladies at the library, who have gotten to know my kids and keep an eye out for them when they come in.
There have been other little milestones this summer, too. Zephie recently cut up an entire watermelon almost completely by herself. I should mention that the watermelon was extremely soft and she was using a butter knife. Still, she was determined to do it herself, and I was impressed by her focus and interest in figuring it out.
Jackson also read enough books to meet his summer reading requirements, including several that he read completely by himself and then passed a test over.
Of course, I’m not suggesting either child is ready to move into an apartment anytime soon. Neither one can reliably pick up a candy wrapper or put a dish in the sink without being reminded ten times. But they are figuring things out.
That got me talking recently with some of my female cousins about when you start letting kids do things on their own. My sister-in-law has started allowing her oldest daughter to babysit her three younger siblings independently for short periods. One of my cousins is letting her 8-year-old daughter mow the yard with a riding mower.
Obviously, there is no universal age at which a child suddenly becomes capable of doing everything independently. Every child is different, and parents have to decide what is appropriate based on maturity, circumstances and their own comfort level.
Still, the conversation got me thinking about how much we sometimes underestimate what kids can do.
I recently came across an article titled “An Age-by-Age Guide to What Your Kid Can (and Should) Do Right Now” by Lola Augustine Brown. The article points out that children need opportunities to experience manageable challenges as they grow. Michael Ungar, a professor of social work at Dalhousie University, explains that too little stress can be just as unhelpful as too much. Kids need opportunities to practice coping, problem-solving and making decisions.
The article offers some interesting examples of what that can look like at different ages.
Toddlers can start with simple responsibilities such as putting dirty clothes in the hamper, carrying dishes to the sink and making small choices between appropriate options.
Preschoolers can help feed pets, choose and put on their own clothes, set the table and prepare simple breakfasts such as cereal.
Kindergartners can begin handling things like cleaning up their toys, making their beds, ordering their own meals at restaurants and even handling simple transactions with a cashier.
As children reach elementary school, they can take on more responsibility by packing their lunches, walking a dog, helping with grocery shopping and learning to handle small problems without a parent immediately stepping in.
Older kids can gradually take on practical skills such as doing laundry, budgeting money, cooking meals and keeping track of their own schedules and belongings.
The point isn’t that every child should suddenly be given a long list of responsibilities at a certain age. It’s about gradually giving them opportunities to do things for themselves, with guidance when they need it.
And I think that’s the part I’m learning this summer.
It’s easy to do things for your kids because it’s faster. It’s easier to buckle the seat belt, cut the watermelon, put away the dishes or tell them exactly what to do.
But sometimes the harder thing for a parent is to step back and let them try. Even when they’re riding away on their bicycles. Even when they’re not wearing training wheels anymore.
Even when you realize that, little by little, they’re becoming capable of doing things without you. They’re growing up.
